Advice for friends & family supporting somebody through recovery

Your importance as a friend

If someone you know has told you that they were abused it is because they trust you and they sense that you care for them. Safe, non-abusive relationships are survivors' most precious resources and you are very important. One of the most important things you can do for your friend/ partner/ sister/ daughter is to listen to them and believe what they are telling you. Another very important thing for you to do is to make sure that you are looking after yourself. Recovering from abuse can take a long time and your friend/ partner/ sister/ daughter may not get over this quickly so you will need to pace yourself because it may take your friend quite a long time to recover. If you can be consistent and be there for her over a long time, it is better than sitting up all night for a week.

Often people are nervous and afraid to say 'the wrong thing' because they don't know enough about sexual violence. Sexual violence is not a 'rare disease' and you don't need to be an expert to help. If you are prepared to listen, the person will be able to guide you as to the help they need.

Believe her

Survivors are often very afraid of people not believing them or reacting negatively to what they say or rejecting them for what has happened to them. Believe what they say, do not ask 'Why didn't you tell someone?' or 'Why didn't you scream?'. Try to keep calm and if you don't understand why a survivor is reacting in a particular way or why she behaved as she did, remember that that is your problem and not hers. Try not to ask too many questions.

It may be helpful to read about the issues involved, for example on this website, or in the books on our reading list. This can help to answer many of your questions.

Do not treat the person differently

When someone you care about tells you about their experience of sexual violence or abuse it is common to feel anxious and overwhelmed. It is a compliment to your relationship that the person has told you but don't be sworn to secrecy - you may need to talk to other people, although this should only be done with care and in confidence.

Do not treat the person differently because of what she or he has told you, they have not changed in the telling. Be clear and honest about what support you can offer them and what you feel you are able to hear. At the same time show your commitment to helping your friend, there are other resources available to them that they may need. When she or he is ready to take the step, they can get support from a local rape crisis centre, similar service, or from a private counsellor/ therapist.

Practical Support

Often practical help can be useful: when someone is shocked and grieving over what has happened to them, or over what they have just remembered, they may not be able to look after themselves at times. The anger, loss and pain can feel overwhelming. If you are supporting someone at such a time stay calm and kind; hot drinks and food, vitamins and a hand to hold are all you need to provide.

Survivors have had their bodies and minds invaded and may have long term difficulties with sleeping, eating, bathing and relaxing. Helping to gradually normalise these activities as part of daily life can add a lot to survivors' security and self respect.

Finding trust again

When trust has been abused, the safest thing to do might seem to never trust anyone again. Whilst this might have helped them survive, most survivors wish they could be different.

If you think of trust not as something which has to be given but something which has to be earned, it will be easier to find ways to show your friend/ partner that you are trustworthy - worthy of their trust. Telling you is her demonstration of a level of trust in you, your willingness and developing ability to support her or him will be your contribution. Enabling a woman or man who had their trust violated to begin believing in the possibility of trust is something precious she or he will always value.

Your Feelings

You may find you are feeling all sorts of things about what the survivor has told you. You may feel helpless, confused, shocked, you might find it hard to believe what she told you is true.
If this is the case, you may need to talk to somebody about what you are feeling. Don't expect the survivor to be able to listen to you. They have enough to cope with.

Contact a friend or a Rape Crisis Centre, or find a counsellor for support for yourself.

Help them make her own choices

It is very important that you let the survivor make her own choices about what she or he does next and this means letting her or him decide whether they want to go for counselling, whether they want to confront the abuser, report to the Gardai.
You can certainly find out information for them but let her or him make up her own mind about what they are going to do.

Abuse and rape leave us feeling powerless and out of control and survivors need to feel they can be in charge of their lives again.

Helping them care for themselves

Some survivors harm themselves in a variety of ways. Some survivors take out their anger about the abuse/ rape on the people they love most.

Its okay to object - it's okay to draw your boundaries: you don't have to accept that this is an inevitable result of abuse.
Try to understand why your friend/ partner is doing these things and spend time with them working out other ways of dealing with feelings.
Them learning to take care of themselves is important and a vital part of recovery.

Sex and Intimacy

Experiences of sexual violence can affect intimacy, be that very close friendships or sexual relationships. Memories of terror and pain may pour out in response to the most gentle touch.

If your partner has been raped or sexually abused they may not want to sleep with you or even have you physically close.
Respect their wishes and tell them that you will not pressurise them, but rather you will assume sex is off the agenda until they say otherwise.

For some survivors, childhood abuse blurred the line between sex and affection and this can affect friendships as much as sexual relationships. Discuss this with your partner/ friend and negotiate what kinds of touch are welcome.

It is very important that survivors feel that they can take charge again in this way and for partners to respect the survivors’ needs, whether it's just to be held or not be touched at all for a long time. There are lots of ways to show affection and have fun, but the most important is probably talking and listening.

USEFUL READING

Laura Davis: Allies in Healing. When the person you love was sexually abused as a child, Harper Perennial, 1991.